So, I was sitting up at four in the morning in my underwear eating Cheetos and I happened to catch a replay of WMW’s Ides of March Pay-Per-View on DirecTicket, and I made a couple of supposedly hillarious observations.
So.
I figure I’ll talk about that before I get to the happenings from Fort Worth on Defiance TV S01E07 and the latest travesty of a Missouri Valley Wrestling show.
First thing’s first, who in the hell starts a show with a Cage Match? Seriously? Are you telling me that this match between Umbrage and “other guy” had enough heat that it warranted a cage, but not enough to warrant a higher spot on the card?
Seriously?
I call bullshit.
Decent match though, predictably Umbrage picked up the win, though, as WMW management seems content to shove him down our throats as a legitimate wrestler. We’ll see what happens if he ever grows a set and pops on down into Defiance to get his supposed property back.
Before the cage match we were treated to the arrival of HOW owner and former prison rape victim/WfWA affiliate Lee Best, and all I can say about that is: Why?
Would this have made more sense with HOW still in the Alliance?
Just goes to show you, some people can’t see the forest for the goddamned trees burning down around them. I don’t know what else to tell you though, as before anything interesting could be discerned from the situation Best took his leave of Cleveland.
So, I guess this was just filler with the distinct pleasure of getting us from one match to another.
Next up was a match for a title, there were stipulations and a special Guest referee. None of that matters, because it was a shitty excuse for a Tai Pei Deathmatch. Endgame came with the referee, Valora of “thinks she’s a World Tag Team Champion” fame, basically picked the girl to win the match. Do I smell Girl Power?
No, I smell fish.
You have to wonder, after the disgusting display that was Valora licking the blood of both battered competitors from their unconcious bodies, do you think that when she’s riding the crimson wave she ever rubs one out and then has a taste of the cash and prizes just for good measure?
Ugh, if you could see me, I’m shuddering now.
Also retching.
The following segment was some kind of lesbian stroke-fest between Jade, Hecate, and Valora. The basic gist was that That Damn Awesome, apparently a stable of some sort, will not be ruined by little things like Valora drinking their blood or playing the role of biased guest referee in a title match.
Sometimes I wonder...
Anyway, the show went on with a Lions Den Match...
You heard me, the worst gimmick of 1997 makes a return to wrestling in the form of a Shoot Championship match between a couple of people I don’t care about. Suffice it to say, nothing of interest happened here.
Do you know what I’m starting to notice about WMW? Jade, Valora, and Hecate seem to be in every single goddamned match and segment on every single show they produce. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I noticed it. Hell, those three are about the only people in the Midwest that I’ve even bothered to Google to find out about.
I guess the whole “jam them down our throats” routine is working.
Next up was yet another title match. Jesus Christ, how many belts can one promotion possibly need? Seriously, is the roster that deprived that they need a 1:3 ratio of belts to wrestlers? On a high note, this match involved not only a couple of dudes, but dudes who seemed to have a genuine dislike of eachother.
I was looking for the inclusion of one of the 3 Main Vaginas in Cleveland, thankfully there was none. However, that didn’t last long because before much else could happen Valora Salinas was on my screen. Again.
She was backstage with erstwhile tag team partner Umbrage when a bunch of those bimbos from Missouri showed up. Just when things couldn’t get any more lesbian-oriented Jackie Daniels and The Angels of Death from MVW unleashed their present to the supposed “World Tag Team Champions” in the form of Kelly Evans, Team Danger* associate, valet, head cheerleader, and bottom bitch.
I guess the idea here was that we’d be super-pissed that somebody went and kidnapped the Gutterskank since we’ve got their precious little belts.
Ha.
It smells better in Defiance already.
So, thanks.
Oh, and enjoy it when she gets horny and her stink starts wafting through the halls at whatever bingo hall in Cleveland that WMW runs show out of.
So, good luck with that.
Moving right along, HEY LOOK! MORE VALORA SALINAS!
I’m not going to recap this match, but I would like to point out that it was inside of a cage for some reason. I guess maybe they announced it somewhere, I really wasn’t paying that close of attention. Anyhow, of course Valora wins by shenanigans, because that’s what she’s good at. Whoever she beat was pretty pissed off. Whatever.
Next up, WMW owner Brad Johnson of “Please don’t call me Brad Jackson” fame read a prepared statement that said something along the lines of “Blah, blah, blah, Defiance, blah, blah.”
“Blah!”
Get this straight kiddies, until you step on down here into our world, we don’t give a shit about you, any of your idle threats or idiotic demands.
Less talk. More fight. Then you will suck less.
Fags.
Now, that was the WMW show. Let’s just say I’m glad I have an expense account do I didn’t have to spend any of my money on that bunch of crap.
To recap why Jackie Daniels and The Angels of Death were so uppity as to kidnap the least valuable employee on the Defiance payroll, apparently Jason Carmondy of “Hey, I run MVW” fame was a little annoyed when Eric Dane and Hydra showed up in Missori and ran over his champion, one Jackie Daniels, with a car.
Price of doing business, girls, get used to it.
In one final bit of “Alliance” news, Greer and Lightning went out to AW the other day and spoiled the big bad debut of Jeff Andrews girlfriend. Why, you may find yourself asking. Well the answer is simple: She deserved it for coming into Defiance and putting her hands- er, feet on Johnny Lightning. Twice.
Note to Untouchables: Team Danger has a distinctly sexist approach to Women in Wrestling. Expect the Faygo to be uncorked the next time Greer gets his hands on that one!
Now.
*Deep, cleansing breath*
I was going to recap Defiance's latest offering, but I figure anyone reading this blog has already seen the show, so why waste my time, eh?
So, there you have it folks, me pissing off a bunch of people I'll probably never meet. Until next time, remember to keep it Defiant and don't forget to check out the Preview Podcast and then the epic FINALE to Season One coming up on March 27th!
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