The AngusBlog Version 2.0 [03.13.10]

So, I was sitting up at four in the morning in my underwear eating Cheetos and I happened to catch a replay of WMW’s Ides of March Pay-Per-View on DirecTicket, and I made a couple of supposedly hillarious observations.

So.

I figure I’ll talk about that before I get to the happenings from Fort Worth on Defiance TV S01E07 and the latest travesty of a Missouri Valley Wrestling show.

First thing’s first, who in the hell starts a show with a Cage Match? Seriously? Are you telling me that this match between Umbrage and “other guy” had enough heat that it warranted a cage, but not enough to warrant a higher spot on the card?

Seriously?

I call bullshit.

Decent match though, predictably Umbrage picked up the win, though, as WMW management seems content to shove him down our throats as a legitimate wrestler. We’ll see what happens if he ever grows a set and pops on down into Defiance to get his supposed property back.

Before the cage match we were treated to the arrival of HOW owner and former prison rape victim/WfWA affiliate Lee Best, and all I can say about that is: Why?

Would this have made more sense with HOW still in the Alliance?

Just goes to show you, some people can’t see the forest for the goddamned trees burning down around them. I don’t know what else to tell you though, as before anything interesting could be discerned from the situation Best took his leave of Cleveland.

So, I guess this was just filler with the distinct pleasure of getting us from one match to another.

Next up was a match for a title, there were stipulations and a special Guest referee. None of that matters, because it was a shitty excuse for a Tai Pei Deathmatch. Endgame came with the referee, Valora of “thinks she’s a World Tag Team Champion” fame, basically picked the girl to win the match. Do I smell Girl Power?

No, I smell fish.

You have to wonder, after the disgusting display that was Valora licking the blood of both battered competitors from their unconcious bodies, do you think that when she’s riding the crimson wave she ever rubs one out and then has a taste of the cash and prizes just for good measure?

Ugh, if you could see me, I’m shuddering now.

Also retching.

The following segment was some kind of lesbian stroke-fest between Jade, Hecate, and Valora. The basic gist was that That Damn Awesome, apparently a stable of some sort, will not be ruined by little things like Valora drinking their blood or playing the role of biased guest referee in a title match.

Sometimes I wonder...

Anyway, the show went on with a Lions Den Match...

You heard me, the worst gimmick of 1997 makes a return to wrestling in the form of a Shoot Championship match between a couple of people I don’t care about. Suffice it to say, nothing of interest happened here.

Do you know what I’m starting to notice about WMW? Jade, Valora, and Hecate seem to be in every single goddamned match and segment on every single show they produce. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I noticed it. Hell, those three are about the only people in the Midwest that I’ve even bothered to Google to find out about.

I guess the whole “jam them down our throats” routine is working.

Next up was yet another title match. Jesus Christ, how many belts can one promotion possibly need? Seriously, is the roster that deprived that they need a 1:3 ratio of belts to wrestlers? On a high note, this match involved not only a couple of dudes, but dudes who seemed to have a genuine dislike of eachother.

I was looking for the inclusion of one of the 3 Main Vaginas in Cleveland, thankfully there was none. However, that didn’t last long because before much else could happen Valora Salinas was on my screen. Again.

She was backstage with erstwhile tag team partner Umbrage when a bunch of those bimbos from Missouri showed up. Just when things couldn’t get any more lesbian-oriented Jackie Daniels and The Angels of Death from MVW unleashed their present to the supposed “World Tag Team Champions” in the form of Kelly Evans, Team Danger* associate, valet, head cheerleader, and bottom bitch.

I guess the idea here was that we’d be super-pissed that somebody went and kidnapped the Gutterskank since we’ve got their precious little belts.

Ha.

It smells better in Defiance already.

So, thanks.

Oh, and enjoy it when she gets horny and her stink starts wafting through the halls at whatever bingo hall in Cleveland that WMW runs show out of.

So, good luck with that.

Moving right along, HEY LOOK! MORE VALORA SALINAS!

I’m not going to recap this match, but I would like to point out that it was inside of a cage for some reason. I guess maybe they announced it somewhere, I really wasn’t paying that close of attention. Anyhow, of course Valora wins by shenanigans, because that’s what she’s good at. Whoever she beat was pretty pissed off. Whatever.

Next up, WMW owner Brad Johnson of “Please don’t call me Brad Jackson” fame read a prepared statement that said something along the lines of “Blah, blah, blah, Defiance, blah, blah.”

“Blah!”

Get this straight kiddies, until you step on down here into our world, we don’t give a shit about you, any of your idle threats or idiotic demands.

Less talk. More fight. Then you will suck less.

Fags.

Now, that was the WMW show. Let’s just say I’m glad I have an expense account do I didn’t have to spend any of my money on that bunch of crap.

To recap why Jackie Daniels and The Angels of Death were so uppity as to kidnap the least valuable employee on the Defiance payroll, apparently Jason Carmondy of “Hey, I run MVW” fame was a little annoyed when Eric Dane and Hydra showed up in Missori and ran over his champion, one Jackie Daniels, with a car.

Price of doing business, girls, get used to it.

In one final bit of “Alliance” news, Greer and Lightning went out to AW the other day and spoiled the big bad debut of Jeff Andrews girlfriend. Why, you may find yourself asking. Well the answer is simple: She deserved it for coming into Defiance and putting her hands- er, feet on Johnny Lightning. Twice.

Note to Untouchables: Team Danger has a distinctly sexist approach to Women in Wrestling. Expect the Faygo to be uncorked the next time Greer gets his hands on that one!

Now.

*Deep, cleansing breath*

I was going to recap Defiance's latest offering, but I figure anyone reading this blog has already seen the show, so why waste my time, eh?

So, there you have it folks, me pissing off a bunch of people I'll probably never meet. Until next time, remember to keep it Defiant and don't forget to check out the Preview Podcast and then the epic FINALE to Season One coming up on March 27th!

The AngusBlog Version 2.0 [03.06.10]

Well Jesus bail-jumping Christ!

It’s been January since I’ve had the time to bust out one of these blog deals. Let me tell you something, going on the road with Eric Dane is an exhausting process.

The guy is such a work-a-haulic I have to make him eat more times than not.

So anyway, It’s been a while, and a lot of shit has happened, and I’m sure you fuck-asses have been frothing at the mouth to hear what I’ve got to say about everything. Well, too bad, I’m fucking lazy, you get this week and nothing else!

…

Okay, not seriously.

Part of the reason I’m even writing this blog today is because I was cleaning out my laptop and came across a blog that I wrote last month and never got around to posting. It was right around the time of that whole DWF/HOW bullshit blowout, and let me tell you, it was vulgar.

So, just because I love you faggots (NOHOMO!) I’m going to paste that in at the end of this week’s blog. It’ll give you something to laugh about while you remember the bullshit that was the DWF/HOW era of the World Wrestling Alliance.

But I digress, that bullshit is for later.

Right now, we’ve got brand new controversies on our hands!

For starters, Team Danger* “lost” the World Tag Team Titles at WMW’s Graveyard Shift 10 a couple of weeks ago. I stress the quotations around that word, because as far as I’m concerned they were robbed!

Well, not really, let’s call a spade a spade. They got beat on a flash-pin, kicked the fuck out of some chick from Miami and some old guy with a stupid name, and we called shenanigans.

And guess what, motherfuckers, it worked.

Johnny Lightning and Stephen Greer still have the title belts.

Next up came Defiance TV Season 1 Episode 6. What the fuck happened? Hydra started falling apart at the seams, Aaron Vasquez beat the crap out of some dickhead Dream reject and actually got a decent reaction from the crowd, and even Justin Brooks decided to remember that he used to be a World Champion caliber wrestler.

It was like a fell asleep and woke up in Bizzaro-World.

No, not Canada, you fucking marks, I mean Bizzaro-World from the comic books.

Get it right.

To top all of that off, what the hell was up with Greer and Lightning interfering in the World Title match? And not even at a crucial point! I mean, I know Stevie was a little steamed at being treated like a lackey, but Cobra’s the man in charge, right?

Or is he?

And what’s up with Johnny Lightning? Is he actually getting to be more likable by being around Greer? I swear, I almost thought I saw a set of nuts swinging between his legs there for a minute.

Yeesh.

Anyhow, Cobra kept the belt and all is well in the world.

Well, for a minute. The next thing you know Drew Carrey calls a press conference where he sang “Cleveland Rocks” for half an hour before throwing a tantrum and begging Chance Wolfington to make Umbralora a new set of title belts or something.

Fuck if I know what actually happened, I can barely keep my eyes open when anyone from Ohio starts talking. What I do know is that like the corporate pussy-whipped little whelp that he is, Chance Wolfington immediately dropped down on his knees and started fellating the entire roster and management team of Wrestling Mid-West, probably even gave out a few hand-jobs to the ring-crew before making the audacious claims that he could make Eric Dane or Team Danger* do anything that they didn’t want to do.

I guffawed, literally.

You know, this is the part where I’m supposed to put over how illegal the rule-change for the World Tag Title match in WMW was, but since ol’ Chance couldn’t even be bothered to show up himself in Cleveland, I’ll just go ahead and tell you that the whole thing was a cleverly executed plan to piss on the Alliance, Wrestling Mid-West, and anyone else who isn’t drinking the Defiance Kool-aid.

Bottom line is this:

Greer and Lightning have the belts.

Brad Johnson think’s he’s gonna put his big-boy pants on and come on down South with his retard and his housekeeper and they’re going to take the belts back.

Three words: We. Dare. You.

Just remember what’s happened to every idiot from HOW, Dream, and Appalachian who’s decided that they were just gonna waltz into Defiance and point their dicks (and tits, for you Valora fans out there) around it get what they want.

WMW doesn’t have the balls to stand up to Defiance.

The Alliance doesn’t have the balls to stand up to Defiance.

Chance Wolfington is a useless figurehead of a bye-gone conclusion of an ideal. This is a war, people, and Wolfington is going to end up just another casualty when everything is said and done.

And afterward?

Wrestling Utopia.

That’s all for this week, kids, but as promised, here is the blog that I should have posted three weeks ago when the shit hit the fan. I blame this on Eric for having me on call 72 hours per day.

From February 23rd, 2010:

Well, it’s been three days shy of a month since anyone’s heard from me on the internet. I’d love to tell you that my absence has been due to a vacation in the Cayman Islands, but it’s really more to do with my Boss’s obsessive-compulsive need to be working on Defiance projects every waking hour of every goddamned day.

And believe me, the man doesn’t sleep much.

So, what brings me back to the innarwebz?

Well, drama of course.

AND BOY HAVE WE HAD SOME DRAMA!

Bottom line is this: Chance Wolfington went out and got himself a couple of ringers in the forms of High Octane Wrestling and Dream Wrestling, he thought he could win a war with a bunch of guys who had no history or ties to the Alliance, and it blew up in his face.

Once Lee Best figured out that this wasn’t going to be the High Octane Blowjob Party, he took his ball and he went home. More power too him, I’d have probably done the same thing given the same circumstances. We wish them well in all of their future blah blah blahs.

And then there’s Dream. Mark Zylbert tried to get his guys into this thing, I’ll give him that. We had some interactions, we even got egg on our face once or twice (see what I did there?) in doing this thing. In the end, Zylbert didn’t like his prized wrestlers getting beat up on our shows. There was that and something about World Domination. 

Seriously.

In the end, this was all just an episode of Pinky and the Brain.

That goes to show you, you can’t win a war without a goddamned army. Right now, Chance Wolfington looks like an idiot because instead of building his own army and fighting Defiance like a man, he thought it was a good idea to bring together a bunch of egos who think they’re bigger than the business and eachother.

And look, it backfired.

What does this mean?

Defiance is winning the War.

AW can’t even get their shit together long enough to get into the arena at this point, their fearless leader can no longer even open up doors without help. Seriously, who’s gonna step up in Appalachia, Ronnie Long? He’d better just stay out of Jeffy’s bottle of Jager if you know what I mean...

Who’s that leave, White Mou-

Yeah, I went there.

...Wrestling Mid-West? Isn’t that the ladies promotion? Wait, no, that’s Missouri Valley... Goddammit, all of these letters are too much alike!

This is what I know:

Nobody in the entire alliance has the sack to stand up against Defiance for longer than fifteen minutes, and if they do, they’ll get wrecked the same way we’ve wrecked AW, and they’ll get ran off the same way we ran off HOW and Dream.

This is a war, ladies and gentlemen. We don’t plan on fighting fair, and we don’t plan on losing. So, might I suggest everyone just fall in line and allow the Change to happen? At least that way you’ll get to keep your jobs when this is all said and done with, as opposed to getting beaten up, hospitalized, and having your promotions being torn down around you.

Now, speaking of people keeping their jobs...

Dan “I eat ‘cuz I’m sad and I’m sad ‘cuz I eat” Pollaski decided to poke his very ample nose into Defiance last week. He got all “chummy” with the boss and think’s he’s safe enough now that he can keep running his mouth.

What Mr. Pole-ass doesn’t understand is that just because the boss is amused by you doesn’t mean that I am, and it doesn’t mean that collateral damage won’t be accepted when this thing is all said and done with.

Don’t think I don’t have a couple of strings to pull myself.

Frankly, I’m still having trouble figuring out how you’ve managed to get yourself on the payroll in the Alliance. The only thing you’ve ever done is stand at ringside while you’re bosom buddies wrestled! The only thing you’ve ever accomplished is not fucking Wendy Briese while Twister jerks off to Hot Rod magazine.

And speaking of Twister...

There is a list, and Terrance Thompson’s name has been added to it.

Think about consequences the next time you decide to drive a truck into someone’s limo. Maybe you should ask Adrien Cochrane or Bobby Dean about consequences, I’m sure they’d be happy to tell you.